You know when you don't belong somewhere the feeling is universal. I can recognize it a mile away. I can remember vividly visiting my old elementary school, somewhere that was my home for virtually six years, (this is a long time when you are thirteen). I thought how glossy, and foreign the green asbestos tiles were to me. Or I even wondered, "Why are these drinking fountains so low?"
It was the same when I visited my old school to do an art lesson. Newly retired I had promised my colleagues I would substitute teach from time to time, or do art in their classrooms. I'm not a stranger, but I don't belong. The teachers dip their heads in to talk on their way out to recess, and there are posters on the school gates advertising some event that I know nothing about. Even the kids reserve their best shiny greetings for me. Their, "Good morning, Mrs. Gersho!" is positively choral. Don't be fooled! This solicitation is not the same as how they might greet someone they know, someone who is familiar, someone they can test or push.
I totally understand what you're saying. It's not fun to no longer belong to a place you've given your heart and soul to for years. What a strange dynamic! It's difficult to wrap my mind around why this occurs. I like how you showed this feeling through the students' greetings. Powerful and provocative post.
ReplyDeleteIt is a weird dynamic, Barb very weird but at the same time very "okay."
DeleteI am subbing occasionally at my former school, too. I know exactly what you are describing. My former colleagues are welcoming and we talk, but then they need to talk about what's happening at school with each other, not me. My former 4th graders are now 7th and 8th graders and have matured so much! I find they do want to test me, as a sub: "Mr. XYZ always lets us do so-and-so." It's not in in the plan, so it's not happening.
ReplyDeleteYep- u get it, Becky!
DeleteYour post speaks to my heart. As a retired teacher who occasionally subs in my old school, I no longer belong. In truth, most of my tenure there (30 years) I did not feel as though I belong. That's okay now. I could sub there every day, but I'd still be on the periphery, so I choose to bounce from school to school. Confession: There are moments when I don't feel as though I belong in this writing community, but those reasons are too many to enumerate now.
ReplyDeleteMorna, you have captured that feeling so well here. I have experienced this in more than one school I've taught at. After my daughter was born, I quit teaching to stay home with her. When I went back to visit and volunteer, it was never the same with anyone. The same thing when I gave up my position in Bahrain a year earlier than we left (because of Covid we weren't sure of timing). I spent a whole year volunteering with lots of meaningful and helpful work with students, but with my colleagues, it was not the same. It's a weird feeling, but on the other hand, it was always nice to leave before the difficult staff meeting, no report cards, and so much more. It was a nice way to go into retirement gently.
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