Cheating?

    I used to LOVE watching my daughter sleep in a co-sleeper and watch her peachy soft profile. There was nothing I loved more than setting my eyes on her the first moment I woke up.

    Later I graduated to standing in her doorway, and marveling at her stillness. How could this tiny Mount Vesuvius be so immobile?

  On a college weekends I was called, "Creepy," and "Stalker." Yet, I still didn't stop. I just learned to choose my night watches much more carefully.

   Tonight I was invited to a binge watch of  NBC's the "Bachelor." (Trust me, my invites are few and far between, and I grab them all).  About an hour into the program I watched her eyelids flutter a bit, and then surrender to sleep.   I looked down lovingly as she dozed  against my shoulder.  Does this even count, I wondered?

   I simply didn't care.

The Best 20 Minutes

    Watching people you love fade, and ultimately die is not for the faint of heart.  The irony of the shifting of roles is not lost on me. Once in a position of authority, or even an equal, and then slipping into a subservient and eventually ultimate dependent role can be so hard to watch.

   Last summer's visit with my mother's best friend (and mine, too I might add) was difficult.   It was three  whole days of sitting at her side with just snippets of coherent conversations to show for my plane ticket. Mainly, she slept and I read on my Kindle.  I know she felt my presence, and would often wake up, and talk. Though not what I had envisioned for my trip- I would still I would not have traded those moments for the world.

   "Will you come tomorrow?" She pleaded as I bid my good-byes on that last afternoon. I hadn't planned on coming back.  A morning visit wasn't in my over-scheduled travel plans that included rental car returns, and long security lines.  I immediately assented.  I  made it work, got up early, and walked briskly to the hospital allowing myself just twenty minutes. It ended up being the best moments I had with her during the entire three days. She was lucid, logical and sharp as a whip.

     I anxiously power walked back to the hotel, and found myself checking my watch nervously.  I could feel the warm morning sun on my shoulders. Suddenly, I no longer cared. I knew she would not hesitate to do anything for me, and of course, I would do the same.